And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
