this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
