The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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