My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Randomize
