She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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