I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
