Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
