I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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