oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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