dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
