i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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