please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
