All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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