I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
