don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
