Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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