So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
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she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
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My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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