There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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