you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize