Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
