It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
