how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
