i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
