I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
