I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
