I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
