I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
