WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
