Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
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You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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