I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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