Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
