I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
