i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
