I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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