The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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