drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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