youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My vagina is very pro this idea
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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