if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
3pm strippers are depressing
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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