I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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