Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was literally just a half conscious dildo.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...

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(807): View more from Ontario

at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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(+61): View more from Australia

did i walk over a car last night?

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(519): View more from Ontario

we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila

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