I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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