i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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