she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
