um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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