I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
