Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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