Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
