also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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