shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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