Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he thought i was a dude.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
