Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
