After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
