I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
