Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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