alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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