Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
