birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
