made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
